My original intent was not to publish what I'm about to write, I started journaling this in Microsoft Word b/c it seemed easier then writing as I knew I might end up all over the place...surprise surprise. After I was done, I thought what do I have to hide. Its already typed, I may as well share b/c we all go through things like this. So from the soul of my heart I share....
Quick Prelude- I just completed a 3 day mini fast. I was searching for some answers, direction and guidance on some things that were impressed on my heart after the Colombia trip. I talked w/ a lot of my brothers & sisters on the trip about fasting and knew it was what I needed to do. I have only done one other fast in my christian life, and it was over 2 years ago when Kaylee was still growing in my little, or rather large, belly and I was searching for help/guidance over what vaccinations to do/when etc. Most people have the misconception that you just stop eating completely while fasting, and although sure that could be a fast...that isn't up my alley. Instead, I have chosen both times to 'give up' (kind of like many do for lent) some things that are difficult to give up and when I am 'craving' those things or time that would have been spent doing those things- instead I spend time in prayer, reflection, in His word, in books etc.
Ok, now on to my 'journal':
So essentially the fast is over with, but this morning (Wed 7/6/11) I had a little breakthrough while watching 2 minutes of Regis & Kelly w/ Richard Blaze, blazing up some summer refreshing drinks.
I started to process how I have been so ‘down’ lately…no other way to say it. I’ve been holding on to two verses for dear life asking God to not let me forget these sweet jewels- Matthew 8:26 “Who are you of little faith, why are you so afraid?” & John 14: 1-4 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”
Anyway, watching some Regis & Kel I started to think back to when I watched a lot of the Top Chef shows *since Richard Blaze was the guest* (isn't that funny how the mind wanders??) etc and wasn’t feeling down then, so why now? Light bulb went off….we don’t get the physiological jugular attack by Satan when we are just sitting around not doing a whole lot. But when we have a lot going on, a lot working for the kingdom- he goes straight for the PJ! (physco jugular) Yesterday Beth Moore’s blog talked about how her sweet daughter Amanda was getting attacked (PJ) b/c they are opening a church inner city. I have often talked to K Rock about wondering if Beth Moore, someone who I clearly admire sooo much, still struggles w/ the same things we do. The answer is- yes, sort of. She does- but the good news is, it gets much easier the more mature in faith you are.What a breathe of fresh air that was. Knowing we aren’t alone in this…it can’t be coincidence that when one does good for the kingdom it is bound to come with some pain. Hence why perseverance builds character according to the book of Romans 5:3,4 So I can have strength, hope & delight knowing that good things are coming my way. Good things are in my future. Most importantly, good things are in the kingdoms future due to my path, choices and anguish. Oh what a delight that is. Who knew our pain would cause delight. I mean aside from childbirth- what other pain ends w/ a happy ending?!
I have been throwing around the idea the past few days of "why would anyone want to work for the kingdom'when we get attacked like this?" I mean the guy dressed in Red knows ALL my hot buttons, insecurities and fears. He has pressed just about every last one of them over the past 3 weeks...I've surely been hollering out to God "Can I get a white flag or what?!" Quick dislaimer...I am a women, sometimes the littlest blows dig deep into my heart. No one has cancer or is sick, my family is healthy & doing well- but as I keep refrencing the PJ- that is all it was. Battlefield of the mind on several things.
Ok anyawy...During my fast some BIG stuff was revealed to me, so of course that thought would cross my mind. The evil one does NOT want me to go through w/ the vision that I received. He will put anything, anyone in my path to stop me from carrying on with it. This is where the perseverance and faith comes in....As a daughter of the Most High King, I know better. Trust me though, there were many ugly thoughts like "Yea, why go through with this" but in hindsight I can clearly see that wasn't me, surely wasn't the Big Man...it was the guy in Red. I think that is where a lot of people easily fall down, quit and give up. When they get road blocks or better yet- a big PJ attack, they say ok ok I'll back off. I happen to know a lot of these people. It's natural. The flip side is, we just need to know and be prepared to let the truth set us free. It really is that simple. It may not be easy, but it is very simple.
Let the perseverance push you through and He, our King, will continue to show us all kinds of surprises.
As Kaylee would say...."Hallelujah" :)
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