Teeter Totter...

Teeter totter, the childhood toy many of us have enjoyed.  Whether we remember it from the days of our own youth, or from the days filled w/ sunshine (or rain if you live in Michigan...) we have watched our littles play on it in the backyard or at the playground.  Teeter totter for me, as an adult, has one true meaning in my life at this moment- up down, up down, up …back down again, jolting back up hoping to stay up holding on for dear life!  I’m writing this entry more as a documentation for myself, a ‘note to self’ if you will, but I’ll put myself out there and share my vulnerability with whom ever has the time to read it, because maybe it will help someone else out there along the way who is also climbing a mountain to know it is ok to be vulnerable sometimes.  Keep on persevering and climbing that thing!  ...and let me know if you need a tiara (or a crown) I'll hook you up!

This is the story of my life pertaining to the decision I made to go on a short term mission trip to Colombia alongside 12 others from my church.  Long story short (yes ma'am, I really did try to shorten this story- LOL), I felt called to go on this particular trip.  For those of you who may be wondering, what does it feel like to be ‘called to do somehting’ it is quite simple.  You get a feeling that starts in your gut that you know you didn’t put there, you never even quite thought of this before so where did it come from?  Well if I didn’t put it there…then, who did?  You may try to dismiss it, but it keeps coming up and up again.  Ahh, my creator has something to say about this.  This sometimes can be easy to discern, sometimes more difficult.  But just like anything in life, the more practice you have with it, the more you act on it, the better at discerning you get.   I may do a whole blog on discernment at some other time but for now, I’ll continue on this teeter totter journey.  So I prayed over it, thought about it, talked about it with my family, cried over it and then received several confirmations that yep, my name was wrote on the wall for this one.  So, I turned in my application with a smile on my face, anticipation in my belly and excitement in my gut.  A few interviews later, my name was officially on the wall aka list and I thought I would just put it on cruise control until we departed June 18^th.  Not so much….life has had a few interruptions on the way.  This journey has been a teeter totter because I have went from beyond excited to scared out of my mind.  I have never cried so hard and so many times about something I strongly felt called I was supposed to do.  I have wanted to quit, more time than one, but because my roots are deep into the foundation I have continued to push through this thing one step at a time.  Friends, this is not what cruise control looks like.  This is the kind of slam on the brakes throw your neck out screeching you try and avoid, then the pedal to the medal accelerate excitement in your belly kind of high.

Backing up a bit let me explain that my husband and I have been trying to make a baby since the end of last July, 9 grueling but quickly moving months.  So I continued to pray over this too…Lord, if you want to give us a baby now, please just let me not be to sick or physically unable to attend this trip...these were my thoughts, but not quite the thoughts of my other half.    He wasn’t havin’ his baby momma travel to another country where drug lording still prevails, amongst many other things, with his baby in her womb.  So I just thought to myself, we’ll figure that out later should it be so.  That thought, was always, and I mean always, in the back of my mind.  When Phil made it clear he was not comfortable with me traveling around the world with his little inside me, a whole new thought process took over.  Maybe I’ll get pregnant, I want to be pregnant more than anything right now, so maybe I’ll get pregnant and won’t go on the trip.  At least I was obedient enough to say I would go, if He (God) pulls me out, that is His decision, not mine.    If I got pregnant, in my eyes, the teeter totter would be on the up and up, we would be ecstatic!  Yes, a bit bummed I’ll need to wait another few years before I consider another trip of this nature, but at the end of the day I want to have another baby more than anything, more than a trip, more than an experience of a lifetime, more than anything!  My plans…right?!  WRONG!  The day my cycle hit (the last chance cycle before the trip), it hit me hard.  Not just physically, emotionally.  Not only was it another month w/ several negative pregnancy test in the trash can staring back at me, but it was the back up plan in the trash can as well.  I guess I really am called to go on this trip, I wasn’t making all that up in my head, He really does choose me.  Then I started the ‘Why me God?”  “Why choose me?”  I am not strong enough, I am fragile, vulnerable, and… sad.  I’m even mad at you.  Mad at you because now I’ve had these other thoughts in my head, not just the good warm and fuzzy ones.  Now I’m scared and feeling guilty for leaving my husband and almost 2 year old home for 10 days.  I mean she can certainly not eat hot dogs for 10 days straight God!  She can not look like an orphan with no pony tails or pretty little hair barrettes in her hair for 10 straight days Lord!   I’m not sure I am ready to leave my almost 2 year old at home for 10 days with limited communication.  I’m not sure I’m quite ready to go walk the grounds of an unknown country for me.  A country that is full of crime, poverty and things I’m not sure I’m even strong enough to stomach.  All the while I’m having a self pitty party, that gut calling is kicking in again; and I mean literally kicking me in the gut!  I hear (mentally, not audibly) Him whispering “You can do all things through me who gives your strength” – Philipians 4:13  I am whispering back “nut uh!” "Don't make me choose God, don't make me, PA-LEASE!"  But my gut knows better, my mind is telling me I can’t but my gut is telling me I can.  My gut is trying to re-convince my mind that he initiated this to begin with, so He will see it through. (Hebrews 12:1-3)  Ohhh the battlefield of the mind, we all go through this.  I remind myself I am not a quitter.  Although that seems like the easy fix, that seems like the most logical thing to do since my mind is trying to win this battle…my gut continues on this teeter totter ride pushing off the ground one more time- this time just enough to make sure that it stays up in the air the longest pinning the mind down to the ground.  I start to consider what is it I am even fearing?  I go to the “D” on a regular basis and some say the D is way worse then the safe enclosed environment we will be working in in Bogata.  In fact, I just drove myself to Detroit last week, to the hood ok, not the touristy part, to the hood to drop off some items for a shelter we try and help out when feasible.  I cried the whole way there while on the phone with my mom not the least bit concerned about my immediate safety.. after all, I had a thing of pepper spray on my keychain and that will help defeat a 9MM any day, right?  How is that for an oxy moron?  Check!  I’m then reminded by another Colombia team member that He (God) certainly watches over and protects those that are being His hands and feet; and worst come to worst he would be my own secret service body guard while we serve there.  Ok, maybe a speckle of confidence is protruding through again.

So I pray for the strength.  I ask for him to speak to me one more time.  Let me know once and for all if this is His calling, am I supposed to go or stay?

He speaks to us through his word (the Bible) which we like to say is living.  It is living because He can bring it to life today and make things jump off the page at your where you almost want to slam it shut and go ‘whoa, get back in there.’

Now I share with you some scriptures I found when I asked him to reveal to me once and for all if I’m supposed to go or stay…Please know that these can also apply to whatever mountain you are climbing in your life right now as well.  Perhaps you were 'called' to read this blog for a reason?!

• Sent to me by a great friend who knew I was having a hard time with this…James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance”
• Beth Moore’s blog rolls in the morning after I was documenting all these verses and this one jumped off the email:  “Rely on the Lord! Be strong and confident! Rely on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14  I tell myself, ok we gotta work on this strength thing and then the confidence will mosey its way back into my bones!
• The whole chapter of Deuteronomy 28 that discusses Blessings for Obedience specifically verse 3 ‘you will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country’ now tell me… I can not make this stuff up, I felt called to this chapter in this book and stumbled across this verse.  I do not have this verse memorized, so this is what I mean when I talk about discernment.  Then keep reading…verse 4 ‘the fruit of your womb will be blessed’ awe snap, you are for sure talking to me Father God, yes me!
• Deuteronomy 5:32 ‘Be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn to aside to the right or to the left.”  For me, this mean stop teeter tottering already!
• Next he had my little fingers flippin to Joshua; Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Don’t be terrified, discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you WHEREVER you go.”
• Joshua 1:14-15 also popped out while we were hanging out in this book “You are to help your brothers until the Lord gives them rest.”
• James 4:7 “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he’ll come near to you.”  Can I get an amen?!
• James 1:6 another teeter totter shout out “Believe and not doubt.  For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.’  Snap again, I tell you what, I sure felt like a piece of debris being thrown all over the place in a tornado alright! 
• Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world….people don’t put a lamp under a bowl, put the lamp on the its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” …these few verses  has much significance for me.  Not only is it reminding me to shine His light in a dark world, but also a reminder that He will be glorified through this trip.  That is my purpose in life, to bring Him glory in any way I can.  Therefore making this trip part of my life purpose. 
• Last but not least, Mathew 5:37 “all you need to say is simply Yes or No, Anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”  Ok how about that for an awe snap to make me stop it with the 2^nd guessing already!

So with my feet deep in the sand and my surrender flag wavign in the breeze next to me; I have surrendered my will and agreed to have His will be done in me and through me.

I'm currently sitting at the top of teeter totter (or on the beach w/ my feet in the sand- whichever visual you prefer- LOL) with a smile on my face, that original anticipation in my belly and my $6 diamond tiara on my head counting down the days until June 18th! 

*picture me in this princess tooling and swim goggles!  Fitting considering I'm training for a tri-athalon too- ha  ;)