A Triathalon is kind of like....Life

Triathalon Recap

In tradition of doing a race recap, I decided to do an entire “Triathlon Recap” as this was my first ever Tri.  However, first I must explain what got me to the Triathlon sport.  For all you haters aka doubters, yes this is long.  But if you really consider summarizing a time period over the past 8 months....a few paragraphs is nothing ;)  xo!

After running the Detroit Freepress ½ marathon last October (unexpectedly) my mind reached new limits of boundaries.  I never thought I wanted to run an entire half marathon, I preferred my 5 & 10k’s but when my relay team was counting on me to come up w/ solution after missing the bus…I had no other choice but to just do the dang thing- run all 12 miles.  When I hit that 12 mile marker to tag in the next relay person, I said I’m going to finish this thing now and run that last mile to officially run a half marathon that day.  I gave my husband and daughter a quick kiss as Phil cheered me on saying they would see me at the finish line.  I was spent…but the crowd was cheering endlessly, the Freepress was snapping pictures like the paparazzi and Philippians 4:13 “I can do anything through him who gives me strength” was running over and over through my mind…it was time to find one more gear!  I did, I found it!  I picked up my pace to probably a 7 1/2 minute mile (I had averaged about a 10 min mile the 1^st 12 miles) then I realized “Uh oh, slow down killer you still have ¾ of a mile to go!”  About another 7 minutes at that pace and not sure I would have made it.    So I physically and mentally regrouped and crossed that finish line w/ my relay tag still in place as a metal was placed around my neck.  Whoa I thought, ‘did this just happen?”  I started walking to cool down and realized how bad I had to pee!  I knew if I stopped on the course I would have felt the pain and it would have mentally derailed me, so I pushed on.  What was the worst that could happen…pee my pants?  Ask any marathoner- that is the last thing on your mind! LOL  I started wobbling, my legs were screaming at me!  I started shaking; my body was starting to realize there wasn’t much fuel left inside and uh, holy crap you just ran for over 2 hours straight!  We, our relay team, did carb up the night before but I might have had a 2^nd heaping if I would have known I was running 13 miles rather than 6.2!  I hobbled to the athlete tent & grabbed a banana…all I could think about was that I needed to hydrate and get some potassium flowing through my veins.  I still had the little kid feeling lost in New York City feeling just as I did that morning when I hopped off the people mover all by myself trying to push through the crowd to the relay bus. After the 1/2,  I had no idea where my husband and daughter were, I had no idea where my teammates were and I had no idea where the nearest bathroom was.  Luckily, all the relay team members decided to carry our cell phones in our water belts.  First I dialed J-Lil (who I ran 97% of the ½ with, except the last mile) so we could quickly meet up and find our way to our men and restroom.  Next, I dialed Phil and we picked a spot to meet up.  I hobbled another .25 mile to a bathroom where I sat down for the first time all morning.  I might have been able to just go to sleep right there on that Porty Potty…one never felt so good!  (gag!)

It seemed as though I had to walk another mile to get to Phil.  Some areas were reserved for the athletes and he was still by the finish line- shoot me!  So I put one foot in front of the other to try to maneuver my way through a crowd of 30,000 people and look for a proud husband & a tired 1.5 year old wearing a shirt that said “Run Mommy Run.”  Found em.  They were cold and tired too- but so supportive and excited for mommy to accomplish such a big race.

So after that day…new limits.  “What’s next” I thought?!  If I can do that (especially with out training to run more than 6 miles) I can bump up my bucket list!  Yes, I have a large bucket list.  Keep reading to find out why I think everyone should live life to love it, not just live it. 

Marathon was on my mind, but first I decided to push the boundaries even more and talked to one of my besties about doing a Triathlon.  Nikki also ran the Detroit ½ and killed it- we were work out buddies already so we were in this 'thing' together.  Leaving the gym one day after our normal weight training activities we, Nikki & I, were approached by an energetic coach wearing a Red White and Blue jacket that read “Olympic Coach” speaking so fast we could barely keep up.  All we really heard was “Sign here if you want to be a part of my triathlon training team for 18 weeks- you girls look like athletes you can do this!”  He was motivating us before we even knew him!  We also signed up our husbands with out their permission…something just called us to do so.  We went home with hardly any details except that some guy named “Coach John” who is an Olympic coach is putting together a beginners Tri Team where they teach us all we need to know, video tape us to help us improve and the training started in a month.  Our husbands laughed b/c Nikki & I are Princesses of Details but this time had very little.  It didn’t matter…we would figure it out later.  All we knew was that we were in for a challenge but we had a team to do it with!  Make the posters....Team Ulin & Team Pulido were in it to win it!

For 18 weeks we trained our little tales off.  I remember starting off the training being sick like 3x in a row.  First Kaylee got the flu which spread through our entire house.  Then we all got hit with a serious head flu for a couple weeks.  What a way to start a training program- feeling groggy and not yourself is not easy!  In hindsight- better to get it out of the way at the beginning!  Especially because I was new to swimming, and swimming w/ a head cold= nightmare!  I mean, I could swim- but I never in my life swam laps.  I would swim from one side of the pool to other when you switched sides of the net during water volleyball.  I would swim to the swim up bar to grab a cocktail in Mexico.  I would swim doggy paddle pushing Kaylee around on a raft.  NEVER EVER swam laps before.  My first experience in the lap pool is worth documenting.  I only owned bikinis…I had some goggles from the dollar store in a costume chest (no idea why)  There were like 3 in a pack- even worse…value of $.33 cents a piece- should have known better- LOL.  Anyway, I put on my goggles and pushed off the wall to swim my first lap.  Not only did my bathing suit bottoms fall down but my goggles immediately filled up with water.  I jumped out of the water so quick to find that my bathing suit top was also misconbulated.  Oh boy, do I scream newbie or what!  That was all the effort that pool was getting from me that day!  On the way home I stopped at Dunhams Sporting Goods and bought a pair of actual goggles and a swim cap…I pay a lot of money for my fake blonde hair!  It was only January so they did not have any swim suits so I came up w/ plan B- I would swim in a water repelling sports bra and some ‘sportier’ bottoms…not the ones with gold buckles ;)  By the way, there is NOTHING sexy about swimming- swim cap, goggles, hideous suits, mascara running, goggle marks- I told myself to just get over it, it is not a fashion show this is a sport.  When I first started swimming with this training program the ‘warm up’ called for 200 yards.  Are you kidding me?  I could barely swim 25 yards with out needing a break, a drink of water and a pep talk to keep going.  I HATED SWIMMING!!  This went on for 8 weeks…no joke.  I would have quit if I was not doing it with Phil & The Pulidos.  I used to love working out, why was I putting myself through this?  All for a stupid bucket list opportunity?  Give me a break!  But there was more to it than that, I committed to it and I will finish it.  I wanted to do a Tri, lets do it.  Around 8 week (yes it was somthing like 56 days of pure torture in the water; well take off a few days b/c I surely didnt swim every day) I started getting comfortable in the water.  By this point I had been through 4 different kinds of goggles, owned a one piece suit (always said I would never buy one), purchased all kinds of ‘training mechanisms’ such as hand fins & a pool buoy.  We had our ‘activity sheets’ laminated so we could set them on the ledge of the pool and cross off that 200 yard warm up with ease.  This was no joke, I seriously looked like Mrs. Michael Phelps! HA! 

Around week 14 I start experiencing some severe pain in my left knee.  I’ve always been a runner…why is this acting a fool now?  Well I received 100 different guestimates, explanations and theories none of which matter in the end.  I kept on pushing through w/ a lot more stretching, massage therapy, chiropractic visits, ice, new running shoes, do it yourself physical therapy and much more incorporated to my routine!  2 weeks before the race I was completely pain free again.  Thank you to my Princess Posse for praying for that knee!

Fast forwarding through 18 weeks of training we enter race day- May 28, 2011.

Alarm goes off at 4am, I feel great!  We have trained for this for long enough to probably do the Olympic distance race, but we want to time trial ourselves and get a feel for the sprint distance.  As soon as we arrived at Island Lake I see Lifetime outfits everywhere…lots of smiles and positive energy- whether you are an athlete or a spectator- you are excited!  You can't see a thing b/c its 5am and the sun isnt even out yet, but you can feel it!  Phil initially puts his wetsuit on inside out as we are counting down the last few minutes before the race…oh my I laughed!  He whips that thing off and gets it back on no problem.  We jet out to the water to meet up w/ Team Pulido who awaits us.

I mentioned to Nikki that I had that tight chest feeling…maybe the nerves, maybe the asthma, maybe the tight a** wetsuit…nevertheless she had the perfect solution a best friend could have.  Let’s Pray.  Nikki lead a few of us in prayer right there in the knee deep water of Lake Trout.  After we all hollered Amen, I instantly felt better.  Thank you so much Nikki for being a great friend and team mate in a time of need!  Check!  And we’re off….as I rounded the first booey I thought to myself ok just make it to the next one.  One step, one stroke rather, at a time.  I was being kicked, pushed, splashed- you name it- complete chaos.  My goggles were fogging up I was doing my best to make sure I was swimming in the right direction- note to self:  “Next time I need to work on spotting a LOT more.”  All of a sudden these orange swim caps were coming out of no where and boy where they ruthless!  I think one guy seriously thought I was a canoe or something as he was trying to grab on to me for dear life.  I turned around and yelled “I’m a chic back off!”  He could have drowned us both!  Prior to that I gulped a huge mouthful of lake water and smelt and tasted like gasoline.  Oh that’s right, a jet ski had just cruised by me to check on someone…sweet.  Whatever, better that then a fish I guess.  Keep stroking…one at a time.  That was the craziness…In the lap pool I was very comfortable swimming 4 strokes at a time, breathing on the 4^th stroke.  Hell to the no in the lake- I needed a breath after every single stroke out there!  This made me feel like I was going in slow motion.  At that point I really didn’t care…I said to myself just finish it, don’t worry about time right now, just finish.  After turning that 2^nd booey I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was now swimming towards the beach.  I saw the crowd cheering and knew I could do it.  All of a sudden a new issue I’ve never experienced during these past 18 weeks- I’m beyond dizzy.  Welcome my friend vertigo!I NOT!  Oh boy…can I do this?  This is awful!  Everytime I looked down during a stroke, the entire lake was wobbling, I didn’t know which way to look or what to do.  I closed my eyes and figured that might help a bit.  It did.  Somehow, I picked up my pace and even got in a few 4 stroke sessions.  I almost knocked some orange cap guy out  as he literally tried to push me down.  I pointed at my swim cap and hollered “yellow…chic….” And heard a “I’m sorry”  …ruthless I tell you!  Just because I’m cruising…don’t hate!

Ok, I made it to the beach.  I had literally no idea how I was doing, the whole swim felt like slow motion- I knew there was a lake of people behind me but had no idea how many were in front of me.  Now the real struggle- get this wetsuit off.  Oh boy, I did not practice this enough.  I saw my family and friends cheering and smiling and snapping photos.  I stuck my tongue out and ran into the transition area.  I checked out my watch and realized my time was only like 23 minutes and I started my watch before the swim so I was doing good…whoa!  I plopped down at my bike and tried ripping off the wet suit.  “Its stuck” I hollered!  No one cared…naturally- LOL.  It was stuck on my big ol’ timing chip on my left ankle.  I asked a guy about 4 spots down for help but he just rolled his bike away.  No worries, I wasn’t mad, I get it- it’s a race afterall!  So I gave it another good pull along with a ‘Dear Jesus help me please’ and off it came!

I was on to my favorite part of the course- the bike.  I felt like I killed the bike- I love this sport now.  Who woulda thunk?  It was awesome for all the Lifetime team members to be in our team jerseys.  I naturally hollered out to every single jersey I saw.  If I didn’t know who they were I just said 3 words “Yeah…Go Lifetime!”  I was receiving the same support.  As I approached mile 5 on the bike, I saw Brent trucking down a hill on his way back… ”Go Pulido!”  He replied “Hell Yeah.”  We were all in game face mode…excitement was flowing.  We have trained hard for this…we were doing the thang!  I never saw Phil on the bike…maybe I was looking down at my MPH gauge and missed him…he was lighting fast on that bike so not surprised- LOL.  I blew past a lot of people, and I was passed by just as many.  Especially people on TRI bikes- I could seriously hear them coming.  I enjoyed the breeze they gave me as they blew by too!

Mile 11 and I said to myself “ok just when you think you have given it your all…dig deep.  You can always find more.”  I did…found another gear and pedaled so hard that last mile I passed a few more people.  I loved the look on the men’s faces when a chic passed them up.  I also loved the look on the Lifetime jersey faces who inspired me with this look that read “Come on…lets GO we GOT THIS!”  As I pulled in to the dismount area a girl bit it and completely flipped over her handlebars.  Happens all the time…seriously.  When you wear cycle shoes and forget to clip out it’s a recipe for crash.  I have crashed 4 times, 2 of those 4 I was standing still.  Well really 5x if you could the time someone else (wont name any names- HA) took me out as we were standing still at a stop light on

Hines Drive

.  Anyway, I stopped to ask if she was ok.  She jumped up quicker than I could speak stating she was ok.  Medic was there as fast as she could stand up as well.  So I transitioned to the run.  When I was switching to my run shoes I noticed that my socks were soaking wet!  I already had one shoe on so I just changed one sock.  I literally said out loud, well one foot w/o blisters is better than 2!  So me and my one white sock and one pink sock were off!

The last and final leg…the run, oh how I love and hate you.  Ok I read the description that a part of the course was on the grass.  I bypassed that description mentally as I THOUGHT that we had ran the course before.  It was like a small patch- big whoop.  UM NO!  Clearly the path we ran was not the exact course.  No one mentioned the crazy hill at the very beginning of the race.  No one!  Probably on purpose- didn’t want to freak us out!  Dude, my legs were done after the bike.  My heart rate was already 180 (5 beats over my AT) I needed to hydrate and had my water bottle in hand.  I did not need a steep grassy and wet hill.  Oh well…keep on trucking.  Needless to say, I had to walk up part of this hill, shoot, but oh well.  Hit the pavement, tried to find a 10 minute pace to start out and watched my heart rate decline on my heart rate monitor.  I told myself when my heart rate got back down below AT, like maybe near 160, I would pick it up just a notch.  That heart rate was not trickling below 170.  I looked up and smiled and said Philippians 4:13 one more time.  Being a runner, I know the first 5 minutes are always hardest.  I swear I was looking at my watch every minute as if I was thinking “is it done yet?”  I broke into a nice comfortable stride a little over a mile in.  Heart rate was lookin good, lets go.  I passed Phil and Brent as they were on their way back to the finish line.  I seriously felt great!  Phil on the other hand looked awful.  Completely awful…I wasn’t concerned for his health as I knew he was an athlete….I was concerned for his mentality.  I looked back up at the sky and said a prayer for him to find it in him, to have energy, no pain (he was also battling a knee injury) and to just enjoy the last few minutes of this race.  As I turned the half way point I felt so good.  So glad to know this thing was almost over.  Anytime anyone does a race, you always start with the end in mind.  To know you only have a little bit to go feels just as good as the finish…well maybe not just as good, but pretty close.  I did NOT know there was another hill and a TON more grass.  YIKES!  Whatever, almost done, push through, do the dang thing.  After the last hill down, I was to the beach area and saw the finish line.  I didn’t quite pick up my pace until a lifetime jersey who was near the finish line screamed “Great Job Lifetime, now sprint to the end- you got this!”  So I did…I sprinted to THE END.

I was greeted by a humongous high 5 from Coach John and all our friends and family.  I did not feel dead like I did after the ½ marathon, I felt full of life and energy.  Coach John came up and gave me an earful that I was the 2^nd chic to finish (behind Sue- whom I made friends w/ through all of this and owe a lot of my swim technique too) for the beginners group.  Whoa!  How cool!  Right at that first buoy in the lake I had told myself to ‘not worry about time anywmore…just finish”  and here I was 2^nd in line to finish in that group.  Turns out I was 4^th in my age group…a measly 1 minute behind 3^rd place which got a prize.  Dang it!  Every single second counts in these races…every single second.

So there is my story.  I seriosuly need to give endless thank yous to my family.  This was a team effort all around because Phil and I did this together so we needed a lot of help with Kaylee.  Between the multiple weekend trips my parents made to babysit while Phil and I went to the 2-4 hour workshops, and the nights she stayed at Barb's for our 5am rides/practice etc...we are just so blessed and greateful to have an awesome family team!

I’m glad I’m documenting this because life is kind of like a race.  Not in the sense that you are trying to rush and hurry through to get to the finish line…but the mentality and training for a race.  Life is like that.  First and foremost, we can do anything through him who gives us strength (Philip 4:13) Secondly, we can do anything we set our MINDS to.  Third, it will not be easy.  There will be setbacks (for me a timing chip stuck on my wetsuit- for a chic at the dismount a shoe still clipped into her pedal) but you can quickly find a solution, get back up and keep going.  There is always a finish line to any task.  Ultimately, there is a finish line to life and one day we will all be seated before the thrown and will have a ‘playback’ like this race recap play before us. 

We don’t all have to be triathaletes, which is not what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that no matter what your passions are in life- we can all give 110%.  Whether its racing in some form, just being a loving mother, an honest employee, a coach to others, a coach to your children’s team, a supportive parent, or a sacrificing sibling…we all have passion, we all have purpose if we are still alive.  We can all inspire others.  We can all feel good about ourselves.  Find your passion, dig deep and just when you thought you were ready to quit…dig deeper.  There is ALWAYS more.  Believe in yourself and you will see how contagious it is, others will instantly believe in you too.  After you believe in yourself you will naturally believe in others as well.  It’s the circle of life folks, live it to love it, NOT just to live it.

*I'll post some pics soon, for now headed to some memorial day celebrations ;)

A Favorite Song

A friends blog about praise music (KK!) http://echocafe.blogspot.com/2011/05/to-each-their-own-i-prefer-praise.html?spref=fb just inspired me to youtube this video, stand up in my office and dance away in my yoga pants!  Dont worry, my office is in a spare bedroom at our house :)

This is by far one of my favorite songs ever...yes ever....
Today w/ the grey skies again (for the 4th day in a row) I was starting to get stuck in a funk!  I know ya'll know what I mean!  Time to pull myself up by my boot straps (especially since its to cold for flip flops), take a time out from sending out textbooks and access codes, stop thinking about my never ending to-do list for my daughters 2nd birthday party quickly approaching and pump myself up w/ some David Crower Band.

I hope ya'll enjoy :)

Here is the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgeUrD4MHI

here are the lyrics:

Verse 1:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Steven died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Happy Mothers Day MOM!

Before I became a mother, it was easy to pick out a Mother’s Day gift for my mom. I had the privilege of ignorance. But on May 28, 2009, that ignorance flew out the window at St Joe’s Hospital when a baby girl was placed in my arms. Now I know.

Having heard on my birthday or on different occasions how my own mom suffered through a few days of labor, I bounced on labor balls, drank gross teas, did silly prenatal classes that my husband hated and we both laughed so hard until naturally…I peed my pants.  Worked out up until the hour before labor started (well maybe not literally, but just about), did frequent prenatal massages hitting all the supposed right ‘buttons’, had a whole line of lavender shower gels and bubble bath for my ‘Jacuzzi suite’ at the hospital, I even hired a doula to help me through my drug free typed out birth plan labor! I now felt it.  Nature, God, would have it be so that I myself would be over due and then go through 30+ hours of labor followed by a c-section.  And HELL YES I got the drugs, I got them all!  I will pat myself on the back and say I managed 12 hours drug free w/ my doula at my side, then I told her to get the heck out of there I was walking myself to the room (w/o a tub there was no way I was sitting in a tub, I could barely sit in a chair!) and Phil was calling the DR to get me the EPI as fast as I could have one!

Having heard my mother say that you just can’t explain it, you have to experience it- I now know.   I have never loved something or someone so much in my entire 28 ½ years!

I had never loved my mother more either. Now I know. The magnitude of what my mother had done for me all my life has sunk in.

So how exactly am I supposed to say thank you to my mother now that I know?

For countless meals fixed or fetched, for hairdos perfected before school and messed up before the after school activity (I still have grueling pictures of an awful side ponytail),  for loving my friends like they were her own, for pretending and being silly, for enduring back to school shopping with me and sometimes even a friend, for carpooling, for taking us on vacations, for protecting me and Lauren from harm, for scaring away the monsters in my room, for comforting me when kids were mean, for correcting me when I was mean, for listening to kids’ music in the car, for cheering me on even when I wanted to play on the boys baseball team,  for cheering us on from the bleachers even when our team couldn’t win a game, for enduring my adolescent mood swings, for teaching us about Jesus’ love for others, and for doing all these things with love and a smile on her face (well most days! J). HOW? How do I thank my mother for raising me? And for doing it without letting on how hard it was?

Mom, truly, I thank you. Now that I know, I don’t know how you did it. But I’m grateful. And I hope I can raise your grandchildren in such a way that they remember me with a smile on my face. Even if I put all my money in my purse and spent a year doing nothing but shop for the perfect Mother’s Day gift to accurately reflect your worth to me as a mother, it would elude me. Nothing in a store could ever measure up to your value.

I want to give a gift that means something more. I want to show you your value to me by showing a little girl in Colombia how much value she has to Christ. She is living in a very dark, unsafe brothel and her own mother is a slave to many men. Her mother is unable to care for her the way she deserves because she is not free to stop working. But her mother wants freedom, protection and life for her child. Her mother is saying, “Help me by helping my daughter.”

With a financial gift made in your honor, God is providing a means of rescue for this little girl through http://www.colombiastreetkids.org/

Every day in Colombia:
800 children are orphaned by violence
2 are kidnapped
6 commit suicide

50 Become involved in Guerilla warfare
over 3000 are assaulted and children are abandoned to live on the streets

Population in Colobmia:
Total number of minors under 18 years 16,233,000, 41.5 % of the population. 6,500,000 live in situations classified as below the poverty level or 38.9%
Of these there are living in absolute poverty 17.5 % or 1137,500 boys and girls.

These statistics are alarming but there is always light!  You have been a light in my world, I will continue to be a light in the world also! 

Mom, thank you for being you!  Happy Mothers Day!

I love you,

Kristen

Teeter Totter...

Teeter totter, the childhood toy many of us have enjoyed.  Whether we remember it from the days of our own youth, or from the days filled w/ sunshine (or rain if you live in Michigan...) we have watched our littles play on it in the backyard or at the playground.  Teeter totter for me, as an adult, has one true meaning in my life at this moment- up down, up down, up …back down again, jolting back up hoping to stay up holding on for dear life!  I’m writing this entry more as a documentation for myself, a ‘note to self’ if you will, but I’ll put myself out there and share my vulnerability with whom ever has the time to read it, because maybe it will help someone else out there along the way who is also climbing a mountain to know it is ok to be vulnerable sometimes.  Keep on persevering and climbing that thing!  ...and let me know if you need a tiara (or a crown) I'll hook you up!

This is the story of my life pertaining to the decision I made to go on a short term mission trip to Colombia alongside 12 others from my church.  Long story short (yes ma'am, I really did try to shorten this story- LOL), I felt called to go on this particular trip.  For those of you who may be wondering, what does it feel like to be ‘called to do somehting’ it is quite simple.  You get a feeling that starts in your gut that you know you didn’t put there, you never even quite thought of this before so where did it come from?  Well if I didn’t put it there…then, who did?  You may try to dismiss it, but it keeps coming up and up again.  Ahh, my creator has something to say about this.  This sometimes can be easy to discern, sometimes more difficult.  But just like anything in life, the more practice you have with it, the more you act on it, the better at discerning you get.   I may do a whole blog on discernment at some other time but for now, I’ll continue on this teeter totter journey.  So I prayed over it, thought about it, talked about it with my family, cried over it and then received several confirmations that yep, my name was wrote on the wall for this one.  So, I turned in my application with a smile on my face, anticipation in my belly and excitement in my gut.  A few interviews later, my name was officially on the wall aka list and I thought I would just put it on cruise control until we departed June 18^th.  Not so much….life has had a few interruptions on the way.  This journey has been a teeter totter because I have went from beyond excited to scared out of my mind.  I have never cried so hard and so many times about something I strongly felt called I was supposed to do.  I have wanted to quit, more time than one, but because my roots are deep into the foundation I have continued to push through this thing one step at a time.  Friends, this is not what cruise control looks like.  This is the kind of slam on the brakes throw your neck out screeching you try and avoid, then the pedal to the medal accelerate excitement in your belly kind of high.

Backing up a bit let me explain that my husband and I have been trying to make a baby since the end of last July, 9 grueling but quickly moving months.  So I continued to pray over this too…Lord, if you want to give us a baby now, please just let me not be to sick or physically unable to attend this trip...these were my thoughts, but not quite the thoughts of my other half.    He wasn’t havin’ his baby momma travel to another country where drug lording still prevails, amongst many other things, with his baby in her womb.  So I just thought to myself, we’ll figure that out later should it be so.  That thought, was always, and I mean always, in the back of my mind.  When Phil made it clear he was not comfortable with me traveling around the world with his little inside me, a whole new thought process took over.  Maybe I’ll get pregnant, I want to be pregnant more than anything right now, so maybe I’ll get pregnant and won’t go on the trip.  At least I was obedient enough to say I would go, if He (God) pulls me out, that is His decision, not mine.    If I got pregnant, in my eyes, the teeter totter would be on the up and up, we would be ecstatic!  Yes, a bit bummed I’ll need to wait another few years before I consider another trip of this nature, but at the end of the day I want to have another baby more than anything, more than a trip, more than an experience of a lifetime, more than anything!  My plans…right?!  WRONG!  The day my cycle hit (the last chance cycle before the trip), it hit me hard.  Not just physically, emotionally.  Not only was it another month w/ several negative pregnancy test in the trash can staring back at me, but it was the back up plan in the trash can as well.  I guess I really am called to go on this trip, I wasn’t making all that up in my head, He really does choose me.  Then I started the ‘Why me God?”  “Why choose me?”  I am not strong enough, I am fragile, vulnerable, and… sad.  I’m even mad at you.  Mad at you because now I’ve had these other thoughts in my head, not just the good warm and fuzzy ones.  Now I’m scared and feeling guilty for leaving my husband and almost 2 year old home for 10 days.  I mean she can certainly not eat hot dogs for 10 days straight God!  She can not look like an orphan with no pony tails or pretty little hair barrettes in her hair for 10 straight days Lord!   I’m not sure I am ready to leave my almost 2 year old at home for 10 days with limited communication.  I’m not sure I’m quite ready to go walk the grounds of an unknown country for me.  A country that is full of crime, poverty and things I’m not sure I’m even strong enough to stomach.  All the while I’m having a self pitty party, that gut calling is kicking in again; and I mean literally kicking me in the gut!  I hear (mentally, not audibly) Him whispering “You can do all things through me who gives your strength” – Philipians 4:13  I am whispering back “nut uh!” "Don't make me choose God, don't make me, PA-LEASE!"  But my gut knows better, my mind is telling me I can’t but my gut is telling me I can.  My gut is trying to re-convince my mind that he initiated this to begin with, so He will see it through. (Hebrews 12:1-3)  Ohhh the battlefield of the mind, we all go through this.  I remind myself I am not a quitter.  Although that seems like the easy fix, that seems like the most logical thing to do since my mind is trying to win this battle…my gut continues on this teeter totter ride pushing off the ground one more time- this time just enough to make sure that it stays up in the air the longest pinning the mind down to the ground.  I start to consider what is it I am even fearing?  I go to the “D” on a regular basis and some say the D is way worse then the safe enclosed environment we will be working in in Bogata.  In fact, I just drove myself to Detroit last week, to the hood ok, not the touristy part, to the hood to drop off some items for a shelter we try and help out when feasible.  I cried the whole way there while on the phone with my mom not the least bit concerned about my immediate safety.. after all, I had a thing of pepper spray on my keychain and that will help defeat a 9MM any day, right?  How is that for an oxy moron?  Check!  I’m then reminded by another Colombia team member that He (God) certainly watches over and protects those that are being His hands and feet; and worst come to worst he would be my own secret service body guard while we serve there.  Ok, maybe a speckle of confidence is protruding through again.

So I pray for the strength.  I ask for him to speak to me one more time.  Let me know once and for all if this is His calling, am I supposed to go or stay?

He speaks to us through his word (the Bible) which we like to say is living.  It is living because He can bring it to life today and make things jump off the page at your where you almost want to slam it shut and go ‘whoa, get back in there.’

Now I share with you some scriptures I found when I asked him to reveal to me once and for all if I’m supposed to go or stay…Please know that these can also apply to whatever mountain you are climbing in your life right now as well.  Perhaps you were 'called' to read this blog for a reason?!

• Sent to me by a great friend who knew I was having a hard time with this…James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance”
• Beth Moore’s blog rolls in the morning after I was documenting all these verses and this one jumped off the email:  “Rely on the Lord! Be strong and confident! Rely on the Lord!” Psalm 27:14  I tell myself, ok we gotta work on this strength thing and then the confidence will mosey its way back into my bones!
• The whole chapter of Deuteronomy 28 that discusses Blessings for Obedience specifically verse 3 ‘you will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country’ now tell me… I can not make this stuff up, I felt called to this chapter in this book and stumbled across this verse.  I do not have this verse memorized, so this is what I mean when I talk about discernment.  Then keep reading…verse 4 ‘the fruit of your womb will be blessed’ awe snap, you are for sure talking to me Father God, yes me!
• Deuteronomy 5:32 ‘Be careful to do what the Lord your God has commanded you; do not turn to aside to the right or to the left.”  For me, this mean stop teeter tottering already!
• Next he had my little fingers flippin to Joshua; Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Don’t be terrified, discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you WHEREVER you go.”
• Joshua 1:14-15 also popped out while we were hanging out in this book “You are to help your brothers until the Lord gives them rest.”
• James 4:7 “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he’ll come near to you.”  Can I get an amen?!
• James 1:6 another teeter totter shout out “Believe and not doubt.  For he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.’  Snap again, I tell you what, I sure felt like a piece of debris being thrown all over the place in a tornado alright! 
• Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world….people don’t put a lamp under a bowl, put the lamp on the its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” …these few verses  has much significance for me.  Not only is it reminding me to shine His light in a dark world, but also a reminder that He will be glorified through this trip.  That is my purpose in life, to bring Him glory in any way I can.  Therefore making this trip part of my life purpose. 
• Last but not least, Mathew 5:37 “all you need to say is simply Yes or No, Anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”  Ok how about that for an awe snap to make me stop it with the 2^nd guessing already!

So with my feet deep in the sand and my surrender flag wavign in the breeze next to me; I have surrendered my will and agreed to have His will be done in me and through me.

I'm currently sitting at the top of teeter totter (or on the beach w/ my feet in the sand- whichever visual you prefer- LOL) with a smile on my face, that original anticipation in my belly and my $6 diamond tiara on my head counting down the days until June 18th! 

*picture me in this princess tooling and swim goggles!  Fitting considering I'm training for a tri-athalon too- ha  ;)